


Say It Like You Mean It

by BlueMinuet



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternian Language, Alternian is Klingon, F/M, Fluff, Klingon language, Language Barrier, M/M, so kind of crack then
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-24 08:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMinuet/pseuds/BlueMinuet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John gets language lessons from Terezi, and learns that cane drubbings hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say It Like You Mean It

**Author's Note:**

> This was a stupid-cute idea that wouldn’t leave me alone. Hopefully, it’s not too boring. My headcanon is that the Alternian language is really just Klingon.

“Okay… try it again,” Terezi sighs.

You screw your face up again, trying to arrange the muscles in your face the way Terezi had suggested. “Gee-hee…”

“No!” Terezi yells, whacking you with her cane once again.

“Ow,” you yelp.

“You messed it up already. It’s ‘je’. Like the first part of the word ‘jet’, but without the ‘t’ sound at the end. And the ‘h’ sound needs to be harder, and cut off quicker.”

“How can an ‘h’ sound be hard?” you say, glaring at your teacher slightly.

“I don’t know, it just is. It’s not like an ‘h’ when you’re laughing at one of your silly human jokes. It’s like… a really deep, guttural ‘h’,” she says, gesturing vaguely. “It’s like… uh… more like a horrorterror laughing.”

You take a deep breath. You know you can do this. You have to do this. You won’t let one stupid little phrase in Alternian beat you.

You are the language master. It is you.

You hope.

“Okay. Let me try again. Jeh…ee-hee…do quick….”

Again, you are wacked with the cane. “Quit speaking human! It’s not ‘do quick.’ It’s Doqqu’.”

You are John Egbert, and if the number of times you’ve been drubbed with that cane is any indication, you are not the language master. Not at all.

“God, Alternian is hard.”

Terezi shrugs. “Sorry, but you asked for this. If it makes you feel any better, I think it’s just because your tongue isn’t made right.”

You sigh. “Could you say the whole thing one more time?”

“ _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vup SoH’_ ,” she spits out effortlessly.

“Can you say it slower?” you ask, holding your head in your hands.

“You can’t say it slower, John,” she tells you. “It changes meaning when you slow it down too much. Or if you slow it in the wrong places.”

“Do it anyway, please?” you plead. “I just need to get the sounds down first, and then I’ll worry about getting the speed right.”

“Okay,” Terezi sighs. “Jeh-hee dock-kwee auck hur-urgh ve-up so-oh.”

You try to move your mouth along with her as she speaks, trying to force your mouth through the complex acrobatics.

“Okay, okay, okay,” you pant as you prepare to try it again. “Jeh-hee … doku gwee.. argh...hurr-durr.”

Terezi facepalms. “Uhg. You’re getting closer, I guess. The ‘jIH’ part is fine, if not fast enough. So, basically, you’ve managed to get the first word right.”

You curl up into a ball. “I didn’t think learning one Alternian phrase would be so hard. Sorry for putting you through this, Terezi.”

She waves her hand dismissively at you. “Not like I have much else to do. Besides, it’s kinda fun to laugh at the smell of frustration and pain.”

“Well, I have plenty of that stuff,” you say sulkily. “Sniff away.”

You are still sulking in a ball when Dave walks into the room. “Hey, bro. Hey, babe. What have you been doing here without me?”

“Language lessons,” Terezi says, frowning.  


“Yeah, and I suck at Alternian,” you say.  


Dave raises an eyebrow. “Trying to learn troll-speak? Why would you want to break your tongue on that shit?”  


“Tell him what you’re trying to learn to say, John,” Terezi says.  


You sigh. “Jeh-hee dok-u...qwee… hurr-urgh… ve…something something?”  


Terezi massages her temples. “You got almost halfway through okay, but then you tripped down a flight of linguistic stairs.”  


Dave’s eyebrows are still arched. “Dude, are you trying to say _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vup SoH’_?”  


You look up at Dave like he sprouted another head. “What? You… you speak Alternian?”  


“Only the sexy phrases,” he says. He turns to Terezi. “ _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vup SoH’_.”  


When he says it to her, it’s like a purr, and Terezi jokingly swoons. It reminds you of why you wanted to learn this; why you’re trying so damn hard.  


“He said it, right?” You ask in disbelief. You feel nothing but jealousy for how easily that flew off your friend’s tongue.  


Terezi nods. “He has a terrible accent, but it’s understandable.”  


“Sorry, Babe, my tongue’s not double jointed. I do what I can though,” Dave says, smirking.  


“Oh, yes, Dave. You do great things with that tongue.”  


You decide to cover your ears at this point. “I don’t wanna hear this!”  


Dave walks over and pats you on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, bro. You’ll get it. You know. Someday.”  


You just groan.  


* * *

“Umm, Karkat?” you ask, walking up behind the troll.  


“What?” Karkat replies, sounding only slightly annoyed. Actually, it’s the friendliest way he’s addressed you in the past week. The lack of cursing is shocking.  


“Umm…”  


You can hear Terezi and Dave whispering down the hall, probably waiting to see how badly you mess this up.  


“What is it you grubfucking nookslurper?” Karkat demands. There’s the cursing.  


You gulp. “I just wanted to tell you something…”  


“And were you going to let me know sometime this sweep, or were you going to save it for my bulge-licking future self?”  


You take a deep breath. You’ve practiced this over and over again, with both Dave and Terezi, as well as the mirror in your room. You can do this. You know you can.  


“ _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vut SoH’_.”  


You know you fucked it up the minute it leaves your mouth.  


“WHAT?” Karkat explodes. “You… you want to… what?!”  


You can hear Terezi laughing behind you. You can tell she’s trying to be quiet, but it sounds like she might choke herself from the effort.  


“I mean… I mean… _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vup SoH’_!” you spit out frantically.  


Karkat’s face visibly softens, and a bit of red flushes his face. “Oh… what?”  


“Oh, God. I said it right this time, didn’t I?” you cry. “I just didn’t want you to be mad at me anymore. I thought, maybe if I learned to say that in Alternian, you might… forgive me.”  


You bite your lip looking at him, as his expression hovers in the gray area between confusion and anger.  


Karkat growls. “So, you think learning one Alternian phrase is enough to just make me forgive you for everything? Forget about our entire fight over all the fucking stupid shit you’ve done?”  


“Yes… maybe,” you squeak. Why is your voice squeaking? The last thing you need is squeaking. “To be fair, it was really hard to learn. I don’t think human tongues are supposed to move like that.”  


Karkat still seems angry when he leans towards you. You tense all of your muscles and close your eyes, waiting for the attack. You’re very shocked when he pulls you into a hug, his face pressing into your neck. You relax only when you’re reasonably sure he’s not about to rip your throat open with his teeth.  


“And… I pity you too, John,” Karkat whispers to you. And suddenly, everything feels right again.  


* * *

“You, uh… you gonna be okay, TZ?”  


Terezi slides down to the ground, laughing too hard to stay standing.  


Dave just kneels next to her and tilts his head. “Man, what the hell did he say?”  


“He…” She gasps for breath between cackles. “He said… that he was going to… cook Karkat!”  


Dave pulls down his shades just enough to give her a disbelieving stare. “Don’t lie.”  


“I swear to Jegus and Gog,” Terezi says. “He said he was going to cook Karkat until he was dark red.”  


He chokes back a laugh. “What? Like a rare steak?”  


Terezi nods, snickering. “Also, you owe me five boonbucks.”  


“Are you crazy? I bet those boonbucks he’d screw it up, and telling Karkat he wants to grill him up is all kinds of screwed up.”  


Terezi shakes her head. “He got it right after that. So, I win.”  


“Fine. But Terezi?”  


“Yeah, cool kid?”  


He smirks. “ _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vut SoH’_.”  


She cackles. “I want to cook you too, Dave.”

**Author's Note:**

>  _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vup SoH’_ is Klingon and translates to ‘I dark red pity you.’ While _Vup_ means ‘pity’, _Vut_ really is the Klingon word for ‘to cook’, so Terezi’s reaction is pretty much spot on.  
>  Yeah, I put way too much thought into this.
> 
> If anyone cares, this is my headcanon:  
>  _jiH Doqqu' 'ach Hurgh Vup SoH’_ = “I dark red pity you.” (matesprits)  
>  _jiH Doqqu' 'ach wov Vup SoH’_ = “I light red pity you.” (moirail)  
>  _jiH qlj 'ach Hurgh muS SoH’_ = “I dark black hate you.” (kismesis)  
>  _JiH qIj 'ach wov muS SoH’_ = “I light black hate you.” (auspistice)


End file.
